Is what I believe right, or wrong?

Occasionally I’m flicking channels on the t.v and land up on a programme where people are tearing each other apart (and I'm not talking about 'Eastenders').

Either, they are having a ‘debate’ about something they strongly believe in – with opposing views. Or, a couple are yelling at each other, with the audience “baying blood”.

Usually, one of them has been ‘wronged’ in some way, and the t.v. host is acting as psychotherapist and/or (with the audience’s participation) judge and jury. I cannot flick away from those programmes quickly enough!

For every belief we hold, there is someone, somewhere, who holds the completely opposite viewpoint.

For me, it’s not about who holds the ‘true’ belief. It’s about whether the belief I hold feels good to me. It’s none of my business what other people believe. They can believe what they like – and they will!

I do not want to expend my energy doing battle with someone else trying to convince them that my belief is ‘right’ and theirs is ‘wrong’ (though at times, I do still find myself doing this!)

I’m only interested in holding beliefs that enrich my life. Beliefs that make me feel good. I certainly don’t need other people to agree with my beliefs in order for me to believe them!

If there exists one common aim in all forms of life it must be “to be as happy as I can be”. Beliefs and thoughts that make us feel good are good for us! The better we feel, the better we feel. The better we feel, the better our life becomes. We begin to attract ALL good stuff.

“So if every belief I have feels good, my life will flow smoothly and joyfully, right?”

In part, yes. Beliefs that feel good are similar to positive affirmations. For example:

“I always make the right choices for me”

“My life is so good, I love my life”

“I am loved by my friends and family”

“I live in a beautiful home”

“This is a great job, everyone is so friendly”

Obviously those beliefs and thoughts are going to make you feel good. But we are not walking around floating on a cloud all the time. Things happen that seem out of our control, things we might not like.

When this happens, it serves to highlight our unhelpful and usually hidden beliefs. These are the beliefs we aren’t even aware of. Hidden beliefs are tricky little devils that disguise themselves as people and situations in our life that we don’t like. They can don the disguise of ‘difficult’ or ‘annoying’ people, or ‘a horrible job’ or ‘a rotten city’, or ‘an evil president/boss/crook’.

How do you find these hidden beliefs?
Simply, you notice when you don’t feel good.

Whenever you feel bad about anything, you are feeling bad because you are holding an ”unhelpful” belief about it. It’s unhelpful because you feel bad! Not only that but you also feel powerless. You feel that something, or someone, is “beyond your control”.

For example, it is not your neighbour’s loud music that is making you angry, it is your beliefs about the music and the neighbour.

You’re not being kept awake by the loud music, you’re being kept awake by your anger - anger that is fuelled by your beliefs.

For example, in the case of the ‘noisy neighbour’ you may believe:

“I’m entitled to silence in my own home”

“My neighbour doesn’t give a toss about me”

“He shouldn’t play his music so loud”

“He’s a selfish swine!” (or words to that effect!)

Now if you go to your neighbour and tell him all of this, it’s probably unlikely that he will meekly apologise and never play loud music again. You could try gentle persuasion, but he may still go on the defensive or, even, the attack. There has to be another way.

Let’s look a little deeper at the above beliefs. Delving deeper you may find that what you really believe is:

“I’m entitled to silence in my own home and my neighbour should know that and he should be silent too”

“My neighbour doesn’t give a toss about me and he should care about me” and (you might even think) “he’s doing this on purpose specifically to annoy me!”

“He shouldn’t play his music so loud because I don’t want him to and he should do what I want him to do, and not do what I don’t want him to do (in his own home)”.

“He’s a selfish swine because I cannot control him and make him do what I want him to do (in his own home)”

When you dig really deep like this for the hidden beliefs they can suddenly seem quite ridiculous and, even, amusing!

We can see the humour in our belief that we are entitled to silence in our own home but our neighbour is not entitled to play music in his! The "loudness" of the music is a matter of perception. What's "loud" to an adult is not necessarily "loud" to a teenager (or a child)!

So, as soon as you feel bad about something you can do this ‘delving’ process until you lighten up: delving for the beliefs you hold that make you feel bad. 'Bad' can be anything from "hopping mad" to "mild irritation".

Or, you can notice you’re feeling bad about someone or something and hop straight to finding a belief or thought that makes you feel better.

Or, you can do anything that makes you feel better (and doesn't antagonise the neighbour!) If you can’t control the neighbour’s noise can you wear ear-plugs or listen to your i-pod? If it’s daytime, can you leave the house to do something nice? Visit a friend? Go for a walk in the park? Work on your allotment? Do some shopping? Go to the library? Take a bike ride or a drive?

“Why should I?!!”

Because you want to feel better.

Because you want to feel good.

Because you want peace.


The peace you want is within you. If by whatever means, you can change from your feeling bad to your feeling good you will find your peace.

There’s an expression I really like:

“Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

The choice is ours!


Whatever we believe is true is true for us. Whatever others believe is true is true for them.

If we look for the good, we’ll find it. If we look for the bad we’ll find it.

Positive perspectives create positive outcomes.
Negative perspectives create negative outcomes.

Choose good-feeling beliefs and thoughts, and life feels good.

Live and let live!

I’ll finish up with a little story I heard that you might like:

A man and his family have travelled from afar and reach the gates of a city. A wise old woman is sitting outside the gates.

The man says to the woman “Can you tell me please, what kind of city is this? Is it a good place to live?”

Woman: “Tell me, what was the city you have come from like?”

Man: “Oh, terrible! That’s why we’re moving. It was full of unfriendly, difficult people."

Woman: “Well my friend, I must tell you, that this city is the same, and you will find the same kind of people here as in your last city".

Disappointed, the man and his family walked away in search of a better city.

Shortly after, another man arrived with his family.

“Hello”. He said to the wise woman “Can you please tell me, what kind of city is this? Is it a good place to live?”

Woman: “What was the city you have come from like?”

Man: “Oh it was beautiful. Everyone was so friendly and kind”.

Woman: “Well my friend I am pleased to tell you, that this city is like that, and those are the kind of people you will find here”.

As a little post note, a day or two after I wrote this article I was woken at 3.15am by loud music and louder (tuneless) singing from the next door neighbours. I looked at the clock and felt irritated.

I remembered the article I wrote and felt amused! Here's your chance to practice what you preach Claire!

I thanked the Universe for the opportunity and plugged myself into my i-pod. The singing could still be heard over my peaceful guided meditations. I considered listening to music myself to drown out the noise. No, I decided I didn't want to do that.

I remembered the many parties I'd had when I was in my 20's in this very flat. Rarely did the neighbours complain. It was Saturday night now, if you can't have a party tonight when can you?!

I remembered that I'll be having my own party next year to celebrate another decade lived.

I thought of some of my friends and said to myself

"MY party will be noisier!"

I resolved to invite all the neighbours to my party. My irritation had gone. My fleeting earlier thought of banging on the wall had gone! I listened to my meditations and although I could still hear the music and singing, it didn't bother me. (It still took me 3 hours to get back to sleep though!)

You may wish to go to Byron Katie’s website (and do “The Work” yourself!)

If you feel bad about something and think you will NEVER feel better again, then please try ‘The Work’.

If you think “NOTHING could work for MY major trauma, or loss, or heartbreak, or illness" then you may well be surprised to find that it can, and that yes, you can feel better than you do now.

“The Work” works for all “unhelpful” beliefs, the minor and the major. It works for painful emotions and situations (resulting from painful thoughts and beliefs) and, in any situation where we feel power-less.